I have this struggle that I face. I have a problem living “in” the moment. I’m always thinking, planning, analyzing what is going to happen next. I get all out of sorts if the plan isn’t in place….even if its a day off and the plan is to just veg out… I need to know that is the plan.
That is why giving up everything safe to help plant a church has been very difficult for me. Everything is so up in the air. I pretty much always feel this tension inside of me because at any moment this or that could happen that changes the plan or should I say the plan I have created to keep me sane.
I’m trying to formulate the plan for the next few months/year of our lives. I’m trying to figure out a way to allow Nate to pour himself into Restore. I need to try and promote with Starbucks in order to get in line to be in management for financial reasons. I really love my job. I think I would love managing a store if its possible. The problem with this is that I am unable to connect and get involved with the church because my time is swallowed up with work and family. I would love to pour into Restore. I would love to be more involved with worship and young adults. But this isn’t an option right now. I miss staying at home with my children yet I love going to work. If you didn’t know I was a little bit crazy…well you do now.
So this is the struggle I face. I don’t know what is going to happen next. I don’t know how I am supposed to proceed. I don’t know what God wants from me. Work, don’t work, sing, don’t sing, lead, don’t lead.
Its no coincidence that I have the word “faith” tattooed on my wrist. It serves as a reminder to trust and to believe when the plan is hard to see.