Struggle

I have this struggle that I face. I have a problem living “in” the moment. I’m always thinking, planning, analyzing what is going to happen next. I get all out of sorts if the plan isn’t in place….even if its a day off and the plan is to just veg out… I need to know that is the plan. 

That is why giving up everything safe to help plant a church has been very difficult for me. Everything is so up in the air. I pretty much always feel this tension inside of me because at any moment this or that could happen that changes the plan or should I say the plan I have created to keep me sane. 

I’m trying to formulate the plan for the next few months/year of our lives. I’m trying to figure out a way to allow Nate to pour himself into Restore.  I need to try and promote with Starbucks in order to get in line to be in management for financial reasons. I really love my job. I think I would love managing a store if its possible. The problem with this is that I am unable to connect and get involved with the church because my time is swallowed up with work and family. I would love to pour into Restore. I would love to be more involved with worship and young adults. But this isn’t an option right now. I miss staying at home with my children yet I love going to work. If you didn’t know I was a little bit crazy…well you do now. 

So this is the struggle I face. I don’t know what is going to happen next. I don’t know how I am supposed to proceed. I don’t know what God wants from me. Work, don’t work, sing, don’t sing, lead, don’t lead. 

Its no coincidence that I have the word “faith” tattooed on my wrist. It serves as a reminder to trust and to believe when the plan is hard to see.

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One Response to Struggle

  1. Bonnie Strappello says:

    Hey Jill! I came across your comments to Pastor on the website and it linked me here. We are all in shock, as you can imagine. It just doesn’t seem real yet.

    I read your “ramblings” above and my heart goes out to you. I have been through the struggles you are facing to some degree or another. Just know that God sees and understands what you are going through and He cares about the smallest details. He knows what’s right and He knows what’s best, so trust in Him to guide you. I’m sure He wants you to do all those things, but each in it’s own time. Now may be the season for you to work and provide the extra finances your family needs. Don’t feel guilty about that. It’s where God placed you. Your work is also a ministry, even if it’s just by example.
    You know the verse that says, “Your Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path.” Well, I’ve heard it explained that it is like walking along a path in the dark, and the only light you have is a flashlight in your hand, that you shine down onto the path so that you can see what’s right in front of you, and you can take the next step without falling. You can’t see the whole path because all you need to see is the next step. That’s how God works with us. He doesn’t always show us the whole path, just the next step that we are supposed to take – the next hour or the next day. But as we take those steps and allow Him to be the one that lights our path, He will lead us to where we are supposed to be.
    Maybe God is saying, “Jill, stop trying to figure it all out and just trust in me to figure it out for you. Do the job I’ve given you to do – right here and right now, and I will take care of tomorrow.” Just a thought.
    I miss you guys. Send me some pictures of Abby and Ethan. You can write me at BonnieD73@comcast.net. I’m also on Yahoo and Aol Instant Messenger under bds1955
    I will be praying for you! Love ya! Bonnie Strappello

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